Worried About Aging Out of the Workforce? Consider Career Hospice
It’s the Last Job You’ll Ever Have
My college roommate got laid off from work recently. He’s in his late 50s and, when you’re that old, getting laid off is a lot like getting laid-laid. You can’t help but think:
“Will I know what to do?”
“Will this be the last time?”
“Will this kill me?”
“Will I have to do it by myself or can someone help me?”
He worked for a large company that decided 5% of the workforce had to go despite a profitable year. They’ve had a string of profitable years. Basically, they’ve never not made money, but still 5% of the people had to go.
It seemed like a copy-cat move, following the lead of the tech giants who laid off workforce in the double-digits. 5% almost seems kind, compared to a company with billions in cash reserves cutting 10% of its workforce.
What really came to mind was that my friend should have been one step ahead of them, as described in this Fortune article from December, 2022: What is career cushioning? The workplace trend you’re about to hate | Fortune.
The tl;dr version is that you should be interviewing for you next job the day after you secured your current job. Why? Because this is America, and you are likely an at-will employee.
Weirdly, I’ve spent my entire career with the attitude that I could be replaced. It started out as chest-thumping braggadocio, thinking I was smarter than everyone and would never have to worry about losing my job. Slowly, it was replaced with paranoia, certain that each day might be my last at whatever job I had.
Basically, I traumatized myself into submission.
Now nearing the end of my fruitful working days, I realize that I definitely can be replaced, and probably will be sooner, rather than later. And when it happens, I’ll know it’s never going to be the same and no amount of career counseling, job search classes, or networking events is going to restore my ability to earn.
When I started my “career,” back in 1985, we used to joke about people unable to find work in their field having to take jobs at hardware stores, or greet shoppers at Walmart, but now that it might happen to me it’s not funny. Unemployment will be nice and all, but what I’d rather have is a form of career hospice.
Career Hospice
Career Hospice would be the way for people who have run out of employment options to quietly fade away while maintaining a façade of working. You would go to an office and sit at a desk, just like a real job. You could go to a break room for coffee, take as many potty breaks as you need, and eat your lunch in a commissary on the first floor.
There’d be a laptop on your desk but it would be one of those props real estate agents use in model homes.
You bring your own phone so you can place calls, but mostly use it to play Wordle and solitaire.
Select desks will be stocked with a variety of seasonally appropriate candy set out so that you can wander through the cubicles looking for your favorite sweets. Red foil chocolate for Valentines, green foil chocolate for St. Patty’s day, and silver foil chocolate the rest of the year.
Younger people would be there to walk between the cubicles with leather folios on their way to a meeting. You’re allowed to say one thing to one of them each day from this approved list of office banter:
Hey! Where’s the fire?
Working hard or hardly working?
They paying you to go to meetings or what?
Keep it down, we’re trying to work around here.
The younger people will not reply to you or even acknowledge your presence. (That’s not part of Career Hospice; that’s just how young people are.)
Career Hospice Pay Scales
You get to name your own salary in Career Hospice. You want to make six figures? Just tell them when you arrive.
Ready for a raise? All you have to do is ask.
Want to be the boss? I think that can be arranged.
Cost of Career Hospice
Career Hospice is fully funded by your personal retirement account. You hand it over when you arrive, and they pay your salary with it, minus a 10% facility fee, and a 15% coffee and paper towel fee, and a 5% foiled chocolate fee.
Career Hospice Duration
You can stay in Career Hospice for as long as you like, or until your retirement savings run out, whichever comes first.
Career Hospice Parking
Parking is not included.
Thanks for reading and remember to look busy!