The 100% Guaranteed, Sure-Fire, Stress-Free Way to Sign a Greeting Card at the Office
Strategies for any card-signing situation you may face.
One of the more stressful situations you face at the office is to sign a greeting card for a coworker. Make a mistake, say the wrong thing—in ink—and you’ll feel like all your teammates are talking about you.
And yes, they’re probably talking about you.
The office is a gossip garden with fertile soil:
Crack a hard-boiled egg at your desk and everybody will be talking about how you farted
Call your doctor to make a routine appointment, and they’ll be talking about how you’ve probably got cancer
Call your doctor and whisper while making an appointment, and they’ll be talking about how you’re going in for liposuction and/or penile augmentation
Making a mistake on a greeting card is one of those screw-ups that goes on your permanent record. But fear not: we have an approach that will get you through the terror in less than a minute and won’t expose you to ridicule, consternation, or lawsuits.
How to Sign a Greeting Card at the Office
Birthday card
Don’t overthink this. Just write “Happy Birthday!” and scribble your name.
You don’t need any of that, “Make it a great one,” or “Hope it’s a blast,” bullshit. It’s their birthday. They’re happy.
Congratulations
Again, don’t overthink this, and don’t let your jealousy get in the way.
Write “Congratulations!” Or “Congrats!” You may also add in one of the following:
Well done!
So deserved!!
Bravo/Brava!!!
Way to go!!!! (yes, use four exclamation points if you write this one down)
Like with a birthday, this person is happy because they got a promotion, a better job elsewhere, or they retired. If they got married or fathered/birthed a baby, that means they recently got laid so their hormones are probably in balance, and won’t be nit-picking the signatures.
For all forms of good news greeting cards, go easy on yourself when signing it and move on with your life, the life which is glaringly absent a congratulations at the moment.
Sympathy card
This is the big one, assuming you’re a normal, caring person with a reasonable amount of empathy and self-doubt. If you fuck this up and say the wrong thing, you’re going to ruin your evening, you’re going to dread coming into the office/logging onto Teams, and you may even take a day off to avoid people.
SIDE NOTE: If you’re a sociopath, like most people at the managing director level and above, you are not going to think twice about this. You have way bigger problems than this lowly person’s dead mother or missing spouse. This person’s worst day is merely a blip on your radar screen that has no bearing on your career trajectory. Also, if you’re one of those people, you’re not reading this newsletter.
For the rest of us, here is how you figure out what to say…
Choose from one of the following sympathetic catch-phrases, depending on your mood and the situation.
In sympathy…
My deepest condolences…
Wishing you peace…
Thinking of you…
I’m sorry for your loss…
I’m so sorry for your loss…
I’m so very sorry for your loss…
I’m so very sorry to hear of your loss…
May your memories of good times in the past comfort you in the dark days ahead…
Here’s to hoping insurance covers the medical bills and cost of burial…
Grief agrees with you…or do you just look good in black?
If you’re ever feeling lonely and want to tie one on, get crazy or whatever, hit me up, I’m down for anything…
Now that you don’t have any kids in the house, or a house, let me know if you want to hang out, maybe watch some Netflix and chill or something…
Everything else
If none of the above seem to work for the situation, or you’re in a hurry, here’s the catch-all solution to the greeting card signature:
Pick a spot on the card to sign your name
Find the signature furthest away from that spot
Copy it verbatim (but sign your name, obviously)
This works because, even if the recipient notices the similarity, they’ll grant you the benefit of the doubt and assume it was merely coincidence we signed the same thing
Thanks for Reading
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Now get back to looking busy.