SMART Goals to Recharge Your Flagging Career
The fate of your career was mostly determined by where you were born and your parents' education level, but still we have to make goals each year.
It's the time of year when HR demands we have SMART goals submitted and approved by management. (In case you forgot, SMART stands for super, muper, and, really tuper.) Achieving your goals won't change your raise—which everyone knows is determined by an arcade fortune teller—but not bothering to enter those goals might get you fired.
Modern corporate culture demands that we make a show of caring about our careers. Meeting with our boss to set goals for the fiscal year is like going to marriage counseling: everybody in the room knows this relationship is going to end eventally and we're just making a show of it for the kids.
Still, our day-to-day in the office is a little easier if we go along with the charade so there's no reason to feel stress about setting goals. Organize them into the three operational pillars upon which all businesses are built: increase efficiency, execute, and grow.
Here are my goals for the year, all of which you are free to borrow:
INCREASE EFFICIENCY
Program Outlook to reply to every email with, "Thanks!"
Save time by napping at my desk rather than walking to my car
Program Outlook to reply to every "Thanks!" email with, "You're welcome!!"
Crash in-building potlucks to reduce my lunch expenses
Program Outlook to reply to every "You're welcome!!" email with "❤"
EXECUTE
Quiet Delegate 30% of my duties to coworkers (Quiet Delegation is the hot new office trend where you ignore assignments until someone else does them)
Take my laptop into bathroom stall for long meetings
Program Outlook to forward emails with action items to the unpaid intern on the team
GROW
Suck up to our boss 10% more than my coworkers do
Purchase one of everything from the vending machine by the end of fiscal year
Start a rumor that I'm making the most money on the team (makes me look good when everyone else complains and plants the seed that maybe I should be paid more)
Gather extra candy from cubicles on my floor, sell for profit
Thanks for reading and good luck with your goals!