Office Donation Calculator for a “Good-Cause”
How to determine the correct amount to donate when they pass the hat at the office
It is a truth universally acknowledged that an office worker will be asked to donate to some unofficial “good cause” at least once per week. Remote workers are not spared from this obligation thanks to the ubiquity of cash apps, such as PayPal and Venmo.
On the happy end of the spectrum, there are birthdays, baby showers, and wedding gifts. How can you say no to giving money for a happy occasion?
On the not-so-happy end of the donation spectrum, there are illneses, retirements, and death. What kind of a monster would you be to deny help to someone in need?
Time was, you could claim poverty with a simple, “I don’t have any cash with me.” Then you avoid the organizer for a few days and the problem goes away.
But now, most modern office buildings have ATMs on site, or at least nearby. A savvy organizer will point this out and offer to wait. A cold-blooded organizer will escort you to the lobby. And we’ve already mentioned the cash-app dilemma.
It seems we can’t escape these “gifts” in good conscience. The question is, how much do you give?
The Official Good-Cause Office Donation Calculator™ will help you calculate an amount that is fair, reasonable, and—most important—morally defensible, allowing you to put the distasteful matter of giving someone your money behind you and get back to goofing around on the internet when you’re supposed to be working.
The way it works is we begin with a seed amount, then adjust it based on various factors. Easy enough, but please know that Look Busy will implement an online version of the tool in the near future to help those who suck at math.
The Official “Good-Cause” Office Donation Calculator™
Begin with a seed amount of $5
Set the Starting Adjustment Multiplier at 1.0
Adjust the multiplier based on the following sets of factors:
Proximity Factors:
Subject is a teammate: + 0.1
Subject is a coworker but not a teammate: - 0.2
Subject is a child of a teammate: + 0.1
Subject is a child of a coworker who is not a teammate: - 0.7
Subject is not related to anyone you work with: -0.9
Good News Factors:
Subject’s birthday: +0.0
Subject is having a baby: +1.0
Subject is your teammate and is having a baby, like, in their own womb: +1.0
You’re going to have to do the subject’s work while they’re out on maternity/paternity leave: -1.3
Subject is leaving the team due to a promotion: -1.5
Subject is getting married: +0.5
Subject is getting married and planned a destination wedding with a three-week honeymoon on a cruise across the Aegean: -2.0
Bad News Factors:
Subject is retiring: +0.0
Subject is ill: +0.5
Subject is deathly ill: +1.0
Subject is dead: -0.7
Pay Back Factors:
Whatever is happening to the subject might happen to you someday: +0.8
Curry Favor Factors:
Subject is somehow related to your boss: +1.0
Subject is somehow related to your boss but your boss will likely never hear about how much you donated: -0.5
Subject is somehow related to your team’s adminstrative assistant, and they’ll know how much you donated: +2.0
Totally Subjective Factors:
Subject has a cool name: +0.2
Subject posts pictures online of cute dogs and cats: +0.4
Subject is way better looking than you’ll ever be: -0.3
Subject refused to wear a mask that one time you saw them: -0.5
Subject says everything happens for a reason when something bad happens to them: -0.7
Subject is always happy and doesn’t seem to care about anything else going on in the world: -0.9
Add the starting adjustment multiplier to the factors, resulting in the Final Adjustment Multiplier. For those of you who are bad at math, a multiplier greater than 1.0 means you’ll be giving more than the seed amount; a multiplier less than 1.0 means you’ll be giving less than the seed amount.
A multiplier less than zero means they owe you and you’re going to be stealing from them at your next opportunity.
Multiply the Seed Amount ($5) with the Final Adjustment Multiplier, resulting in your donation.
Thanks for reading and share this with a friend so that you look smart.
More than anything, Look Busy today!